Simon Gober
PERSONAL – Simon lives in Rocklin, California with his wonderful wife, Misty, daughter Michaela Jane (MJ – 2), and dog, Dixie. Simon is a Fire Fighter for Santa Clara. He was very late to take up golf, having only been playing now for a couple of years.
TIE TO THE MONTEMAR – Hmmmm….. I could start this way back in the day, when his family decided to move from Oxford to Houston, or I could jump in at the time they moved from Houston to Sunnyvale, California. Or I could go way way way back in the day and talk about what made people move to California in first place – Gold – or I could jump forward more than a hundred years and try to figure out why the King’s Academy Prep School was started – I have no idea – or I could do a little research on a place called Andronicos Market – I just did and it wasn’t exciting. Instead of boring you with the history of how Frank Andronico started a market in Berkely in 1927, I’m going to jump right to the point and the way my mind imagines this all happened.
Simon was taking a shit. He was only 17 or 18 and it was his first day at his new job at Andronico’s Market. He was enjoying his California mandated 10 minute break in peace when all of a sudden loud footsteps entered the bathroom. Thump, thump, thump, thump. The thumps getting quicker and louder the closer they got. Simon heard the door of the stall next to him fly open and abruptly slam shut. Bang! Then he heard what sounded like a toilet seat flying open and a giant – yes, a literal giant – falling onto the toilet seat two feet to his left, a ½ inch plastic wall the only thing separating the two men. What Simon heard next is something he’ll never be able to unhear.
THE LOUDEST SHITTING SOUNDS ONE COULD EVER IMAGINE MIXED IN WITH THE LOUDEST VOICE ONE COULD EVER IMAGINE.
LOUD SHIT “GOD DAMN THAT FELT GOOD, MAN,” LOUD SHIT “THAT ONE’S GONNA SMELL A LOT,” LOUD SHIT “THAT ONE LOOKS LIKE A BABY” LOUD SHIT “FUCK YEAH I JUST DROPPED 20 POUNDS.”
Simon wiped as fast as he could, wanting nothing more than to get out of this bathroom. The smell was unbearable and there was no part of him who wanted to meet this disgusting and vulgar guy. During the middle of a shit sound, Simon jumped up, pulled his pants up, and opened the stall door.
What he saw next is something he’ll never be able to unsee.
A large man standing outside the stall - 6 foot 5, 340 pounds, pants and boxes still around his ankles, dick out, unwiped, hand extended toward Simon for a hand shake. Simon didn’t want to touch this guy, he knew what had just come out of his ass, but he didn’t want to die either. He reached out and shook the man’s hands.
“I’m Mark Foster. Sorry if this is a little awkward, I felt like we had a bit of a moment in there and I saw you getting ready to leave, so I just wanted to make sure I got to introduce myself real quick. Sorry my pants are down and my dick’s hanging out and stuff.”
“It’s okay.” Simon said, wanting nothing more than to crawl under a bed and hide.
“Hey I’m going to a party tonight at my boy Addi’s house. His parents are out of town. It’ll be fuckin’ awesome. I went last night, that’s why my stomach’s all fucked up. That and because I’m fat, but it’s sexy fat. You should come to this party.”
“Sure.” Simon said, knowing full well he wasn’t going.
“Good.” Mark said, “If I don’t see you tonight I’m going to find you tomorrow.”
So that night, Simon went to Addi’s house on the other side of prospect high school. He brought a few of his high school buddies as reinforcement. Mark Foster, past and future Montemar player, was running around the back yard with his shirt off. Simon met Mike Addison and a couple of other guys and before you knew it the entire crew was running together almost daily. Mount Charlies and Mike’s house whenever Addi’s parents went to the cabin in Tahoe. A year later, when Addi moved into the house on Montemar, this crew was all ready for a new place to party.
I’ve always known Addi and Simon met after high school but it always felt like they’d known each other longer. It’s very interesting to think what would be now had neither Mark Foster or Simon gotten jobs at Andronico’s Market.
ADDITIONAL CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE MONTEMAR – As a member of the Original Ocho, Simon has played an important part in getting this tournament off the ground. I’m hopeful he’ll use his newfound golf tournament hosting skills to find a good prize for the Montemar.
WHAT NEEDED TO HAPPEN IN 2023– The 49.5 handicap was earned the hard way last year, as a new-to-golf Simon tried to navigate Yoche and Darkhorse – easily the two toughest courses he’d played to that point – without the ability to hit anything other than a hybrid off the tee. He’s since figured out the driver and his golf game has improved in all areas. If he can game plan to avoid trouble and can get through the round without losing a ball to the water or out-of-bounds, Simon is going to put up a number that will have him in contention after day one. He needs to remember that this is a PGA tour caliber course and a score of 105 can be considered very good for where he sits. He’s got the best payment points and it’s looking like he’ll have a dynamite Scramble team for Saturday. He should have a relatively early draft pick and if he uses it on a player he should be in contention all day Sunday. The deciding factor will be his performance on the par 3s. Simon will have to hit at least a third of the par 3 greens if wants any chance of putting his name on the jacket in 2023.
WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN 2023 – Last year we said a 105 would be considered a very good score for him at TPC Scottsdale and he went in and shot a 102. As a 2nd year golfer that wasn’t bad at all, especially considering that the super intendants wife cheated on him the night before, and was a better score than many who have played much longer. The 11th place overall finish bested 29 other players and helped Simon move up to 9th on the all-time points list.
WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN IN 2024 – this year Simon enters the Montemar with a much lower, but still healthy handicap. His newfound love of the driver combined with a natural ability to maneuver the ball around the greens will allow Simon to compete, how he fares on his approach shots – specifically the par 3s where points are awarded – will determine whether he can crack the top 10 for the first time.
ODDS TO WIN 15-1
FUN FACT – Mention college football around Simon and you’ll have a friend for life, recite the words to “Hotty Toddy” and you very well might earn yourself a man-rub.
MONTEMARS PLAYED – 2 (2022 – SACRAMENTO, 2023 - Scottsdale)
MONTEMAR ROUNDS PLAYED – 5 (2022 – YOCHE, DARKHORSE/ 2023 – TPC Stadium, TS Piipaash, TS O’odham)
LIFETIME POINT TOTAL – 350.75 (9th)
JACKETS WON – 0
TOP 3 FINISHES – 0
TOP 5 FINISHES – 0
TOP 10 FINISHES – 0
BEST FINISH – 11TH (2023 – Scottsdale)
RECORDS – 2 (Low Net Round – 53/Scottsdale, Ind Low Net Wins – 1/Scottsdale)
TOURNAMENT HANDICAP – 31
INVITED BY – ORIGINAL OCHO
PLAYERS INVITED – 2(Brian Warren – 2022, Chris Holtzer – 2022,)
PRIZES DONATED – NOTHING YET
